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Kimmel Slaughters Network TV Reputation in Monologue: ‘We’re All Screwed’

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Kimmel

The self-inflated, self-righteous Hollywood members were hit by a hard dose of reality from one of their own. Comedian and late-night host Jimmy Kimmel delivered a stand-up routine at Disney’s annual upfront presentation Tuesday which, in a nutshell, says, “I laugh so I don’t cry.”

The Hollywood Reporter put together some of the host’s best jokes from the monologue “in which he mocked the traditional broadcast networks, including ABC, as well as ripped Disney+ and Amazon.” We’ll just let Kimmel’s jokes speak for themselves:

“We’re here to tell you what our plan to avoid extinction is … More people contracted blood clots from the Johnson & Johnson vaccine than are currently watching network TV.”

“Things are so desperate, we’ve had to resort to doing the right thing: inclusion. We want ABC, Disney, FX, Hulu, Freeform, ESPN and Nat Geo to be a safe space where anyone, no matter what their racial or ethnic background, their gender or sexual orientation … we want our platforms to be a place where everyone can bring their stories to die.”

“And what do you do when you want to bring more people of color under the tent? You sign a long-term deal with the NHL — ‘White People on Ice!’ After 17 years, the NHL is back on ABC and ESPN. At long last, America’s fourth-favorite sport returns to its fifth-favorite network.”

“[You were told] ABC is number one, which is a bunch of number two. When sports programming is excluded from the ratings, ABC is at or near the top of the heap. And if you exclude all the murders, John Wayne Gacy was a world-class party clown.”

“Here at ABC we have two kinds of shows: canceled, and ‘I didn’t know that was still on.’ The good news is we have some very funny new shows. The bad news is they’re all dramas.”

The Wonder Years is back. Our programming strategy is like an old person with a computer that’s not working: Shut it down and hope it reboots. This version of The Wonder Years follows a middle class Black family in the late 1960s. And if you don’t buy ads on it, we’re going to tell everyone you’re racist.”

“Speaking of racist, CBS … CBS is once again calling themselves the ‘most watched network.’ Being the ‘most watched network’ is like being the best-selling fax machine.”

“NBC is planning to move forward with the Olympics this summer, even if they have to kill every last person in Japan to do it. Why doesn’t NBC just move the Olympics to Chicago like they do every other show?”

“NBC has a new drama called La Brea, which is an epic adventure that begins when a massive sinkhole opens in the middle of Los Angeles – killing all of NBC’s comedy pilots.”

“Instead they have two full nights of [Law & Order producer] Dick Wolf. At ABC, we don’t have a Dick Wolf. We don’t have dick. When you’ve got a name like ‘Dick Wolf,’ it pretty much guarantees you’ll be in charge of stuff. It’s like being named Cock Tigernuts. You’re just going to win.”

“Fox might have come up the single worst idea of the year. It’s called The Big Leap. This is a dramedy about a reality TV dance show following a group of diverse underdogs putting on a modern, hip version of Swan Lake. That show won’t make it to the end of this sentence. Here’s a tip: If you have to describe something as ‘hip,’ it isn’t.”

“[Networks] need to stop trying to be cool. We’re like a Grandpa in skinny jeans. We’re not cool. Isn’t there something to be said for dying with dignity? Somehow, with everyone stuck in their house and nothing to do but watch TV for the past 14 months, we still managed to lose ratings!”

“Disney+ has been a huge success for this company. It’s more than just a streaming service, it’s a childcare provider. It’s a nanny that costs $8 a month. And you don’t have to worry about your husband f—ing Disney+. At Disney+, we are making something truly special, something that has not been made here in a very long time. Money. Let’s call ABC what it really is: Disney Minus.”

“Amazon Prime, these motherf—ers at Amazon, they’re spending $465 million on one season of Lord of the Rings. $465 million for a season! Usually to get that much money from Jeff Bezos you have to divorce him.”

“You know how much we spent on The Bachelor this year? Eighty bucks for the whole season. We bought a case of wine and a Costco-sized box of rubbers, and that was it.”

“We’re all screwed. My kids don’t even know what commercials are. I’m sorry to tell you this, but when we go on vacation and put on Cartoon Network or something, they’re like, ‘Why is this woman doing laundry in the middle of our show?’ We’re a dying breed, but we’re dying together.”

“Until [next year]: Give us your money, we’re Disney, we’re going to get it one way or another. Or how about this: Give us your money or we’ll kill Baby Yoda.”

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7 Comments

7 Comments

  1. Kenneth

    May 20, 2021 at 10:08 am

    Kimmel is A FRAUD ,NEEDS TO BE CANCELLED!

    • JIM KOSTRAN

      May 20, 2021 at 11:58 am

      Your right KENNETH. I haven’t watched those jerks since LENO left. So good riddance, Kimmeel, Colbert,etc. I can do without you guys.

    • J

      May 20, 2021 at 2:11 pm

      All of them need to be cancelled. I remember when Jimmy first started out. Oh, how funny and nice he was. Now, look at him. He sounds as though his soul was sold.

      • gypsykaye

        May 22, 2021 at 6:57 pm

        Comedy is dead. I haven’t watched late night ahows since Johnny Carson and sometimes Jay Leno. At least they were funny and entertaining. Kimmel and the other late night so called comics suck the big one. SNL another junk show. Who watches those garbage shows??? No accounting hor taste. LOL

  2. E Anne Penwright

    May 20, 2021 at 10:43 am

    I don’t know … I saw BIG kernels of truth in there. I’m kind of glad he went for it. Don’t see anyone else taking a shot at what our lives have become. At least he has guts.

  3. Paul Fidler

    May 23, 2021 at 6:08 am

    “Disney’s annual Upfront Presentation” – what’s that? Jimmy Kimmel? – Who’s he?

  4. Lesley Verlin

    May 23, 2021 at 11:48 am

    Yes, there is no funny stuff on TV anymore. I must return to the Golden Girls. All of them make me laugh and wish there was more comedy like them. The programs are full of politics , racist shit, woke crap, violent people and God haters. I want my fun back that is funny and cheerful. Hollywood actors are full of hate and I hope they would keep their ugliness to themselves!

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Media

All in the Family? Andrew Cuomo’s Brother, CNN’s Chris Cuomo Accused of Sexual Harassment

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Chris Cuomo

A guest essay written for the New York Times by veteran television journalist and former executive producer Shelley Ross alleges CNN host Chris Cuomo sexually harassed her when they had previously worked together.

The alleged incident occurred when the two worked together at ABC News in 2005 and Ross now wants the host to “journalistically repent” for his behavior of squeezing her buttock without her permission.

“At the time, I was the executive producer of an ABC entertainment special, but I was Mr. Cuomo’s executive producer at ‘Primetime Live’ just before that,” she wrote. “I was at the party with my husband, who sat behind me on an ottoman sipping his Diet Coke as I spoke with work friends. When Mr. Cuomo entered the Upper West Side bar, he walked toward me and greeted me with a strong bear hug while lowering one hand to firmly grab and squeeze the cheek of my buttock.”

Ross added Cuomo said to her, “I can do this now that you’re no longer my boss” and did it “with a kind of cocky arrogance.” Ross said she told him he couldn’t, pushed him off her and revealed her husband was right behind her, and they quickly left the party.

The party was for an ABC colleague’s departure. Later that evening, Cuomo sent her an email, which Ross printed. The email stated, “[T]hough my hearty greeting was a function of being glad to see you … christian slater got arrested for a (kind of) similar act, (though borne of an alleged negative intent, unlike my own)…and as a husband I can empathize with not liking to see my wife patted as such.”

Cuomo added he would like for Ross to pass along an apology to her “very good and noble husband,” and also “I apologize to you as well, for even putting you in su]ch a position.” He added he would remember his lesson the next time he was happy to see her.

Ross writes in her essay, “Mr. Cuomo may say this is a sincere apology. I’ve always seen it as an attempt to provide himself with legal and moral coverage to evade accountability.”

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International

Afghan Journalists Release Photos After Being Severely Beaten by Taliban for Covering Women’s Protest

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Journalists

Two Afghan journalists, photographer Nematullah Naqdi and reporter Taqi Daryabi were severely beaten by the Taliban for reporting on a women’s protest in Kabul. The two were battered after being beaten with batons, electric cables and whips. The beating occurred after being detained for several hours by Taliban fighters a day earlier.

The two men, who work for Afghan’s media outlet Etilaat Roz, released photos of their bruised bodies once back in their Kabul office, after being released from Taliban custody. Naqdi told Agence France-Presse “One of the Taliban put his foot on my head, crushed my face against the concrete. They kicked me in the head…I thought they were going to kill me.”

Daryabi added “we were in so much pain that we couldn’t move.” Naqdi said he was told “you are lucky you weren’t beheaded” when asked why they were being beaten. When covering a protest on Wednesday outside a Kabul police station calling for an end to Taliban violations of women and girls, Naqdi said a Taliban fighter immediately tried to grab his camera when he began taking photos.

Journalists

The Taliban were also rounding up anyone filming or taking photos of the demonstration, added Naqdi. The two say they were taken to a nearby police station where the beatings took place, only to be released after several hours.

Journalists

The New York Post reports dozens of Afghan reporters have been beaten or accosted in recent weeks since the Taliban has recovered control of Afghanistan. The Taliban, however, claims that they will uphold press freedoms under their new regime. As has been proven time and time again, not much faith, if any, can be placed into anything the Taliban says or promises.

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