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Kimmel Slaughters Network TV Reputation in Monologue: ‘We’re All Screwed’

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Kimmel

The self-inflated, self-righteous Hollywood members were hit by a hard dose of reality from one of their own. Comedian and late-night host Jimmy Kimmel delivered a stand-up routine at Disney’s annual upfront presentation Tuesday which, in a nutshell, says, “I laugh so I don’t cry.”

The Hollywood Reporter put together some of the host’s best jokes from the monologue “in which he mocked the traditional broadcast networks, including ABC, as well as ripped Disney+ and Amazon.” We’ll just let Kimmel’s jokes speak for themselves:

“We’re here to tell you what our plan to avoid extinction is … More people contracted blood clots from the Johnson & Johnson vaccine than are currently watching network TV.”

“Things are so desperate, we’ve had to resort to doing the right thing: inclusion. We want ABC, Disney, FX, Hulu, Freeform, ESPN and Nat Geo to be a safe space where anyone, no matter what their racial or ethnic background, their gender or sexual orientation … we want our platforms to be a place where everyone can bring their stories to die.”

“And what do you do when you want to bring more people of color under the tent? You sign a long-term deal with the NHL — ‘White People on Ice!’ After 17 years, the NHL is back on ABC and ESPN. At long last, America’s fourth-favorite sport returns to its fifth-favorite network.”

“[You were told] ABC is number one, which is a bunch of number two. When sports programming is excluded from the ratings, ABC is at or near the top of the heap. And if you exclude all the murders, John Wayne Gacy was a world-class party clown.”

“Here at ABC we have two kinds of shows: canceled, and ‘I didn’t know that was still on.’ The good news is we have some very funny new shows. The bad news is they’re all dramas.”

The Wonder Years is back. Our programming strategy is like an old person with a computer that’s not working: Shut it down and hope it reboots. This version of The Wonder Years follows a middle class Black family in the late 1960s. And if you don’t buy ads on it, we’re going to tell everyone you’re racist.”

“Speaking of racist, CBS … CBS is once again calling themselves the ‘most watched network.’ Being the ‘most watched network’ is like being the best-selling fax machine.”

“NBC is planning to move forward with the Olympics this summer, even if they have to kill every last person in Japan to do it. Why doesn’t NBC just move the Olympics to Chicago like they do every other show?”

“NBC has a new drama called La Brea, which is an epic adventure that begins when a massive sinkhole opens in the middle of Los Angeles – killing all of NBC’s comedy pilots.”

“Instead they have two full nights of [Law & Order producer] Dick Wolf. At ABC, we don’t have a Dick Wolf. We don’t have dick. When you’ve got a name like ‘Dick Wolf,’ it pretty much guarantees you’ll be in charge of stuff. It’s like being named Cock Tigernuts. You’re just going to win.”

“Fox might have come up the single worst idea of the year. It’s called The Big Leap. This is a dramedy about a reality TV dance show following a group of diverse underdogs putting on a modern, hip version of Swan Lake. That show won’t make it to the end of this sentence. Here’s a tip: If you have to describe something as ‘hip,’ it isn’t.”

“[Networks] need to stop trying to be cool. We’re like a Grandpa in skinny jeans. We’re not cool. Isn’t there something to be said for dying with dignity? Somehow, with everyone stuck in their house and nothing to do but watch TV for the past 14 months, we still managed to lose ratings!”

“Disney+ has been a huge success for this company. It’s more than just a streaming service, it’s a childcare provider. It’s a nanny that costs $8 a month. And you don’t have to worry about your husband f—ing Disney+. At Disney+, we are making something truly special, something that has not been made here in a very long time. Money. Let’s call ABC what it really is: Disney Minus.”

“Amazon Prime, these motherf—ers at Amazon, they’re spending $465 million on one season of Lord of the Rings. $465 million for a season! Usually to get that much money from Jeff Bezos you have to divorce him.”

“You know how much we spent on The Bachelor this year? Eighty bucks for the whole season. We bought a case of wine and a Costco-sized box of rubbers, and that was it.”

“We’re all screwed. My kids don’t even know what commercials are. I’m sorry to tell you this, but when we go on vacation and put on Cartoon Network or something, they’re like, ‘Why is this woman doing laundry in the middle of our show?’ We’re a dying breed, but we’re dying together.”

“Until [next year]: Give us your money, we’re Disney, we’re going to get it one way or another. Or how about this: Give us your money or we’ll kill Baby Yoda.”

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7 Comments

7 Comments

  1. Kenneth

    May 20, 2021 at 10:08 am

    Kimmel is A FRAUD ,NEEDS TO BE CANCELLED!

    • JIM KOSTRAN

      May 20, 2021 at 11:58 am

      Your right KENNETH. I haven’t watched those jerks since LENO left. So good riddance, Kimmeel, Colbert,etc. I can do without you guys.

    • J

      May 20, 2021 at 2:11 pm

      All of them need to be cancelled. I remember when Jimmy first started out. Oh, how funny and nice he was. Now, look at him. He sounds as though his soul was sold.

      • gypsykaye

        May 22, 2021 at 6:57 pm

        Comedy is dead. I haven’t watched late night ahows since Johnny Carson and sometimes Jay Leno. At least they were funny and entertaining. Kimmel and the other late night so called comics suck the big one. SNL another junk show. Who watches those garbage shows??? No accounting hor taste. LOL

  2. E Anne Penwright

    May 20, 2021 at 10:43 am

    I don’t know … I saw BIG kernels of truth in there. I’m kind of glad he went for it. Don’t see anyone else taking a shot at what our lives have become. At least he has guts.

  3. Paul Fidler

    May 23, 2021 at 6:08 am

    “Disney’s annual Upfront Presentation” – what’s that? Jimmy Kimmel? – Who’s he?

  4. Lesley Verlin

    May 23, 2021 at 11:48 am

    Yes, there is no funny stuff on TV anymore. I must return to the Golden Girls. All of them make me laugh and wish there was more comedy like them. The programs are full of politics , racist shit, woke crap, violent people and God haters. I want my fun back that is funny and cheerful. Hollywood actors are full of hate and I hope they would keep their ugliness to themselves!

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Chris Cuomo Forced Out Of SiriusXM After CNN Firing – Report

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Chris Cuomo

On Monday, ex-CNN host Chris Cuomo announced that he had resigned from his SiriusXM radio show just days after being fired from CNN over his deep involvement with the handling of sexual assault allegations against his brother ex-Governor of New York Andrew Cuomo.

“The way my time ended at CNN is hard,” he said in a statement. “While I have a thick skin, I also have a family, for whom the past week has been extraordinarily difficult. So, right now, I have to take a step back and focus on what comes next. That means I will no longer be doing my SiriusXM radio show. I am extremely grateful for the support I have received from SiriusXM throughout my time there. I also want to express my sincere appreciation for my loyal listeners. I will miss our conversations a great deal – but I look forward to being back in touch with you all in the future.”

 

“Following Chris Cuomo’s statement that he is leaving his SiriusXM show, Let’s Get After It will no longer air. We thank Chris for his work at SiriusXM,” a SiriusXM spokesperson said in a statement.

According to the New York Post, a source said that Cuomo was “forced out” of Sirius after “a former female colleague at ABC News accused him of sexual misconduct.”

“Cuomo ‘really wanted’ to stay on Sirius but was told he needed to leave,” the New York Post reported, adding, “A source familiar with the matter said of Cuomo, ‘He was asked to resign, which he did.’”

CNN also reportedly learned of a new accusation of sexual misconduct against Chris Cuomo, unrelated to his brother, that led CNN to take “immediate action.”
The New York Times
reported, “On Wednesday, Debra S. Katz, a prominent employment lawyer, informed CNN of a client with an allegation of sexual misconduct against Chris Cuomo. Ms. Katz said in a statement on Saturday that the allegation against the anchor, which was made by a former junior colleague at another network, was ‘unrelated to the Gov. Andrew Cuomo matter.’”

When asked about the new allegation, a CNN spokeswoman said in a statement on Saturday night, “Based on the report we received regarding Chris’s conduct with his brother’s defense, we had cause to terminate. When new allegations came to us this week, we took them seriously, and saw no reason to delay taking immediate action.”

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Twitter Releases Redesigned Orange and Red ‘Misinformation’ Labels

Twitter is doubling down on letting you know when they think your internet behavior is uncouth

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Twitter

Twitter is doubling down on letting you know when they think your internet behavior is uncouth. Reportedly the company has been testing new labels since July, and “are an update from those Twitter used for election misinformation before and after the 2020 presidential contest” reports the Associated Press.

The new designs include added orange and red labels to “stand out” more than the old blue version, which blended with Twitter’s blue color scheme. However, the company was also cautious, as “its tests showed that if a label is too eye-catching, it leads to more people to retweet and reply to the original tweet.”

The AP writes those labels used in the presidential election “drew criticism for not doing enough to keep people from spreading obvious falsehoods.” Therefore the redesign will launch on Tuesday in hopes of being “easier to notice.”

The AP states experts say such labels are helpful to users and allow the big tech social media giants to “sidestep the more difficult work of content moderation – that is, deciding whether or not to remove posts, photos and videos that spread conspiracies and falsehoods.”

In its testing phase, Twitter said the redesigned labels showed a 17% increase in “click-through-rate” meaning more people would click on the labels to read the information debunking false or misleading tweets. “Misleading tweets that got the redesigned label – with an orange icon and the words ‘stay informed’ were also less likely to be retweeted or liked than those with the original labels.”

Twitter labels three types of misinformation: “manipulated media,” such as videos and audio believed to have been deceptively altered in ways that could cause real-world harm; election and voting-related misinformation and false or misleading tweets related to COVID-19.

The AP adds “tweets with more serious misinformation – for instance, a tweet claiming that vaccines cause autism – will get a stronger label, with the world ‘misleading’ and a red exclamation point. It won’t be possible to reply to, like or retweet these messages.”

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