Kimmel Slaughters Network TV Reputation in Monologue: ‘We’re All Screwed’

The self-inflated, self-righteous Hollywood members were hit by a hard dose of reality from one of their own. Comedian and late-night host Jimmy Kimmel delivered a stand-up routine at Disney’s annual upfront presentation Tuesday which, in a nutshell, says, “I laugh so I don’t cry.”

The Hollywood Reporter put together some of the host’s best jokes from the monologue “in which he mocked the traditional broadcast networks, including ABC, as well as ripped Disney+ and Amazon.” We’ll just let Kimmel’s jokes speak for themselves:

“We’re here to tell you what our plan to avoid extinction is … More people contracted blood clots from the Johnson & Johnson vaccine than are currently watching network TV.”

“Things are so desperate, we’ve had to resort to doing the right thing: inclusion. We want ABC, Disney, FX, Hulu, Freeform, ESPN and Nat Geo to be a safe space where anyone, no matter what their racial or ethnic background, their gender or sexual orientation … we want our platforms to be a place where everyone can bring their stories to die.”

“And what do you do when you want to bring more people of color under the tent? You sign a long-term deal with the NHL — ‘White People on Ice!’ After 17 years, the NHL is back on ABC and ESPN. At long last, America’s fourth-favorite sport returns to its fifth-favorite network.”

“[You were told] ABC is number one, which is a bunch of number two. When sports programming is excluded from the ratings, ABC is at or near the top of the heap. And if you exclude all the murders, John Wayne Gacy was a world-class party clown.”

“Here at ABC we have two kinds of shows: canceled, and ‘I didn’t know that was still on.’ The good news is we have some very funny new shows. The bad news is they’re all dramas.”

“The Wonder Years is back. Our programming strategy is like an old person with a computer that’s not working: Shut it down and hope it reboots. This version of The Wonder Years follows a middle class Black family in the late 1960s. And if you don’t buy ads on it, we’re going to tell everyone you’re racist.”

“Speaking of racist, CBS … CBS is once again calling themselves the ‘most watched network.’ Being the ‘most watched network’ is like being the best-selling fax machine.”

“NBC is planning to move forward with the Olympics this summer, even if they have to kill every last person in Japan to do it. Why doesn’t NBC just move the Olympics to Chicago like they do every other show?”

“NBC has a new drama called La Brea, which is an epic adventure that begins when a massive sinkhole opens in the middle of Los Angeles – killing all of NBC’s comedy pilots.”

“Instead they have two full nights of [Law & Order producer] Dick Wolf. At ABC, we don’t have a Dick Wolf. We don’t have dick. When you’ve got a name like ‘Dick Wolf,’ it pretty much guarantees you’ll be in charge of stuff. It’s like being named Cock Tigernuts. You’re just going to win.”

“Fox might have come up the single worst idea of the year. It’s called The Big Leap. This is a dramedy about a reality TV dance show following a group of diverse underdogs putting on a modern, hip version of Swan Lake. That show won’t make it to the end of this sentence. Here’s a tip: If you have to describe something as ‘hip,’ it isn’t.”

“[Networks] need to stop trying to be cool. We’re like a Grandpa in skinny jeans. We’re not cool. Isn’t there something to be said for dying with dignity? Somehow, with everyone stuck in their house and nothing to do but watch TV for the past 14 months, we still managed to lose ratings!”

“Disney+ has been a huge success for this company. It’s more than just a streaming service, it’s a childcare provider. It’s a nanny that costs $8 a month. And you don’t have to worry about your husband f—ing Disney+. At Disney+, we are making something truly special, something that has not been made here in a very long time. Money. Let’s call ABC what it really is: Disney Minus.”

“Amazon Prime, these motherf—ers at Amazon, they’re spending $465 million on one season of Lord of the Rings. $465 million for a season! Usually to get that much money from Jeff Bezos you have to divorce him.”

“You know how much we spent on The Bachelor this year? Eighty bucks for the whole season. We bought a case of wine and a Costco-sized box of rubbers, and that was it.”

“We’re all screwed. My kids don’t even know what commercials are. I’m sorry to tell you this, but when we go on vacation and put on Cartoon Network or something, they’re like, ‘Why is this woman doing laundry in the middle of our show?’ We’re a dying breed, but we’re dying together.”

“Until [next year]: Give us your money, we’re Disney, we’re going to get it one way or another. Or how about this: Give us your money or we’ll kill Baby Yoda.”